INSOMNIA @ 3am

It's 3am this Saturday dawn, I'm awake once again 'cos my mind won't go to sleep. My body feels the exhaustion of the week, but my brain wants more. I'm trying real hard to drown out these many voices that seem so loud in the quiet of the night. Louder, even than the cock crowing (who owns these chickens anyway?). I'm tempted to muffle these hyperactive thoughts with a fridge raid although I know I'll be afraid to stand on the scale in the morning.

My body wishes to forget about the week's happenings, but my brain, adamant in it pursuit, wants to subject every little detail to scrutiny. It is anxiety mixed with regret and topped with relief in many instances. Somehow, my brain needs to settle with itself before it can project its might toward the incoming week. Yes, I agree, annoying. But my head won't rest lest it comes to terms with itself! Forget about being in control. When my mind wants something done, everything else must settle for a back seat position - even me. Sleep, in this instance will have no say in the matter.



Allowing myself to get carried away in the wave of thoughts dancing in my head, I can't but agree with myself that this has been no ordinary week. My life received some altering nudges that will ultimately lead to a complete redirection. Although I was seemingly able to brush it off into the recess of the memory, sleep returned it to the fore so I could deal with it. I agree that I may not be the world's best philosopher, but I do believe nonetheless that I deserve some credit for stringing enough thoughts per minute that provoke and punch holes in my life and that which affects me on the daily.

So at this I've shifted from point D to E. I'm asking myself now, before I sink in too deep, is this what I want? Do I truly want to sign up for this? Am I ready enough to deal? Do I wish to proceed with the opening up of Pandora's box or would I rather settle for something even keel? My life is about to change in ways hitherto only imagined. I'm loving the thought of it now but will my sentiments then, jigsaw with my fears? Or will it be all I imagined it'll be? Choice begets even more choices.

Inasmuch as the 'should've known' principle sneers at you from all corners of the debate, 'experience' alone must afford you the chance to sneer right back. Because no matter how bad you "should've known" will scoff, experience will always stand its ground and will be sure to inform the decision of tomorrow. My head can go to rest now because strangely through these mumbled up thoughts I've made some sort of alternate sense to myself.